Oiling The Snake
by Majikthize
Summary: A simple meet and greet that doesn't quite go smoothly but that's not important right now. This is what happened afterwards. Team humour with slight Sam/Jack UST and perhaps even less Daniel/Janet UST if you can project that much. Set Season 3.


Summary: A simple meet and greet that doesn't quite go smoothly but that's not important right now. This is what happened afterwards. Team humour with slight S/J UST and perhaps even less Daniel/Janet UST if you can project that much.

Season/Spoiler info: Brief Candle, 100 Days. I would set this probably S3ish.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. Damn shame though. *sigh* Written for love and not money.

Authors notes: This was originally written in response to a fanfic challenge posted on SGC-UK forums several years ago. The elements are at the end. This was my very first attempt at writing a SG fic and I like to think I've come a long way since but feedback is always nice.

**JACK**

The klaxons sounded again. Jack looked up from the report he'd been trying to finish for the last four hours. He sighed heavily and glanced at his watch 22.43. This was the fourth time that the klaxons had gone and had dragged him away from his task. Not that he needed much dragging away from paperwork, but he'd been at it since they returned from P3C972 this afternoon and the debrief was at nine a.m. tomorrow.

P3C-972 had been one of those missions where everything that could go wrong went wrong. Well everything trivial and annoying went wrong. First the radios developed issues with the planets electromagnetic field (or whatever it was Carter had said and he'd pretended not to understand), all he needed to know was that they refused to work despite his cajoling, fiddling and eventually losing his temper at them. Then they'd bumped into the unexpected natives. Lovely people, but a little too friendly for Jack's liking. Friendly as in "Oh look, new people, let's have sex with them." Luckily there hadn't been any drugged food or alien influences to lower anyone's inhibitions or interfere with one's judgement. It was only after they had been split up (and he still didn't understand how they'd managed that), and a stunningly voluptuous native woman had attempted to remove his clothes that Jack realised what was happening. Fortunately his team mates had found themselves in similar circumstances too and independently extracted themselves from their overzealous new friends.

Once it occurred to the natives that they were not going to join in the fun willingly, they got a little too insistent on ensuring their participation. While Daniel argued that he'd be able to talk their way out of this sticky situation, one glance at Sam looking flushed and embarrassed and Teal'c looking like he'd rather be having his prim'ta removed and Jack decided to cut their losses and get the hell out of there. They ran for it. All the way back to the gate, through, as it turned out, a swamp that he swore wasn't there on the way. A swamp with quick mud and nasty critters no less. Well you wouldn't expect anything less. Carter lost her backpack to snappy reptilian swamp dweller, presumably of the carnivorous persuasion. Daniel lost a boot to the quick mud, and Jack ended up with his pants and shirt filled with gritty smelly swamp mud when he attempted to haul him out. Then Carter had to haul the pair of them out ending up muddy and wet as well. In the end, the only one to come through from P3C-972 without taking an impromptu swim in the swamp was Teal'c. Only his dignity, not to mention his face had been somewhat bruised by an argument with a tree branch.

Jack still itched. He suspected that the shower had not removed the mud from every nook and cranny of his body and that he was going to be digging it out of places he'd rather not contemplate for weeks to come.

Jack ambled to the gate room.; there wasn't much point hurrying, it was probably only Carter returning from whatever technical assistance she'd been summoned by the Tok'ra to help with. That had been the first gate activation that had dragged him away from his mindless paperwork. The Tok'ra come to borrow his 2IC's brain for...oh something technical he genuinely didn't understand or care to. She'd been less than enthused at going, which was understandable considering the fact they were in such a hurry that she hadn't even had time for a shower beforehand. Jack felt a twinge of guilt about this then dismissed it remembering that her departure left him in charge of writing their mission report. Or trying to. The second activation was from SG-12 wanting to borrow Daniel to translate something. At least Daniel did actually manage a shower before hand though. He returned an hour ago and seemed quieter than normal. Jack assumed he was just tired. It had been a very long day and, yet it wasn't over. That damn report was still only half written.

Indeed the final incoming wormhole was from the Tok'ra and a still dishevelled and somewhat pissed looking Carter stepped back through. Jack noted a streak of caked on mud had dried across her forehead giving her a sort of permanent frown…or maybe it just was a real frown after all.

"Major. Back so soon?" Jack said and immediately wished he hadn't.

She shot him a dirty look and shook her head in disgust at his seeming good humour, walking off to finally take a shower. He didn't have the heart to call her on her apparent insubordination.

"Ho hum everyone's having fun." He muttered under his breath then returned to his report.

When he arrived back at his desk he discovered Daniel sitting in his chair toying with his pen.

"Danny! Thought you went home?"

"Uh no."

Jack waited for Daniel to say something else but he was silent. He waited some more for Daniel to move out and let him get on, but he seemed preoccupied.

"Er, Daniel? Anything I can do for you?" He said, trying to hint that he really wanted his chair back.

Daniel must have picked up on his frustrations because he dropped the pen and stood. "Eh? Oh no, no I just...when you and I were stuck in that swamp, did you feel anything alive in there?

"Alive as in?"

"Swimming around us?"

"C'mon Danny, how could anything swim in that mud?"

"Hmm, yeah, I suppose. So anyway. You feel OK?"

"Yeah why?"

"Hmm. Nothing. Just wondering." He seemed deep in thought then changed the subject. " Say, was that Sam coming back?"

"Yeah."

"Oh good, I'll see you later."

"Yes." Jack nodded, not quite knowing what to make of Daniel's odd behaviour.

Daniel moved out and began to leave. Jack sat back down to his report. Just the last bit to do, just need to explain the loss of one regulation boot and backpack complete with contents. It was probably only a couple of hundred dollars but the damn pen pushers would want to justify every last dime they spent.

"Er Jack?" Jack almost slammed his pen down with frustration and looked up to see Daniel paused by the door.

"What Daniel?" He said tersely.

"I thought you said you were going home to watch the game?"

"I was, then Hammond insisted on us having this goddamn report in by oh-nine hundred, you and Carter got your asses hauled off world and Teal'c took a Kel'nor'reem break so I got stuck with this goddamned thing by myself. Now if you'd just let me finish." He gestured to the laptop in front of him.

"Yeah, OK, I'll see you in the morning then."

Jack smirked and turned back to his work.

**DANIEL**

Daniel walked down the corridor deep in thought. He really ought to go to the infirmary. The thought of Janet prodding and poking him and having to admit...no he just couldn't. It was all just his imagination Jack and Sam were up to their waists in mud too so if there was anything wrong they'd be noticing it too.

He reached his room and closed the door. Unzipping his fly he peered down at the rash rapidly spreading over his groin and thighs. It was probably just an allergic reaction to the mud. It couldn't be anything else.

He couldn't face driving home tonight. Yeah OK so the people on P3C-972 were very insistent about their joining the native fertility rituals but he had been sure that he'd talked Nayaria into just letting them observe. Er, not that Jack would have readily agreed to the free porn show - or rather he might have if Sam hadn't been so uncomfortable with it all - but Daniel was prepared to negotiate that detail.

He pulled on some pyjamas and threw himself down on the bed, squirming to find comfort. The rash itched like crazy. He really ought to go see Doctor Fraiser about it. What the hell could it be? Nayaria had barely touched him. Okay so Nayaria had stuck her tongue in his mouth and her hands down his pants but…Nah, it was more likely that damn sticky mud making him itch and scratch, and the scratching had turned into a rash…

But still it worried him.

Sam and Jack were probably itchy and rashy because of it too.

He sat up suddenly. So Jack wasn't feeling in the mood to talk but Sam was back and Sam always had time for him. He rose and pulled on some clothes and headed out to her quarters…

**TEAL'C**

Teal'c refused to let the frustration get the better of him. So he couldn't reach Kel'nor'reem tonight. It wasn't the first time. He would simply go up to the commissary and have a drink of that hot chocolate Major Carter recommended, watch a film then try again.

As he strolled down the corridor he bumped in to Major Carter coming out of the locker room in a towelling robe.

"Oh, uh Teal'c" She mumbled in surprise.

"Major Carter. You are out of uniform." Teal'c raised an eyebrow at her unusual dress.

"Uh, yeah. Well I seem to have forgotten to put a spare in my locker. I figured that at this time of night the place would be deserted enough." She smiled sheepishly at Teal'c

"I am unable to reach a satisfactory state of Kel'nor'reem tonight. I was about to visit the commissary for some of your hot chocolate. Do you wish to join me?"

"Sure, just let me go get dressed."

"I will meet you there."

Teal'c walked off in the direction of the elevators and Carter strolled towards her quarters.

**SAM**

Sam sighed contentedly as the hot water poured over her weary body washing away the last of the sticky itchy mud from P3C-972. Just the thought of that planet, its friendly locals and their somewhat overzealous welcome…

Ooh she felt a flush of embarrassment colour her cheeks. Under other circumstances she might have been more open to the suggestion. Milos - her pairing - had been kind of cute; very sweet and shy. When she realised that he wanted to have sex with her and couldn't bring himself to initiate it she almost felt sorry enough for him to initiate it herself. Besides, it had been such a long time and there wasn't anyone else available that she felt remotely attracted to right now. Not anyone that she could act on it with anyway…

She blushed at her chain of thought. Would I really have? The she smirked, remembering the Colonel's indignant response to the thought of participating in what the locals considered to be a ritual of great honour. From what she could glean from him and Teal'c both their potential mates had been fairly aggressive in their response. Clearly the Colonel was still scarred by the events after his fling with Kynthia. Who knows what alien nookie could lead to?

She stepped reluctantly from the shower and into the locker room to dry off. It was deserted this time of night, for which she found herself grateful because that was the point she realised that she had no clean BDUs in her locker.

"Crap." She muttered and pulled on a robe instead. Good job it was late. The corridors would be deserted and she'd be able to get to her quarters unnoticed in her inappropriate state of dress.

Coming out the locker room she bumped into Teal'c who invited her for a drink in the commissary, which she gladly accepted.

As she rounded the corner to her room she saw Daniel standing there about to leave.

"Daniel. You still here?"

"Uh yeah." He mumbled stepping from foot to foot in a nervous gesture.

"You OK?" Sam asked?

"Uh, yeah I…what are you wearing?" Daniel asked, suddenly noticing Sam was stood in a bathrobe.

"Oh, I forgot a change of clothes. I was just going to change and meet Teal'c in the commissary for a drink." She paused and took in Daniel's slightly agitated appearance. "You wanna join us?"

"Sure. I'll…I'll wait out here."

She smiled and went inside.

**THE COMMISSARY**

The lights had been dimmed in the commissary. At this time of night it was deserted except for Teal'c, Daniel and Major Carter.

She sat opposite Teal'c and Daniel now dressed more appropriately in clean BDUs sipping a hot chocolate that appeared to have once had extra cream which was now melting down the side of the cup.

"What time is it anyway?" Daniel asked.

"It's eleven eighteen Daniel Jackson" Teal'c responded.

"Huh! I should be exhausted after today but I don't feel like sleep." Sam added.

"I too am unable to reach Kel'nor'reem this evening." Teal'c added.

There was a pause then Daniel added. "Uh, can I ask you guys something? Well Sam really Teal'c as you weren't encased in that mud stuff?"

"Sure Daniel. What?"

"When we…"

Daniel was cut off by the appearance of Colonel O'Neill. "Hello campers. Ah all the team is here. Any reason why?" He seemed chipper than he had been earlier. He poured himself a coffee and sat next to Sam.

"Report finished Sir?" Sam asked ignoring his question.

"Almost, dotting the 'I's stuff, y'know. De-mudded Major?" He responded.

"Yes Sir."

"Umm, about that." Daniel chimed in. "Has anyone had an adverse reaction to it?"

"Adverse?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, itchiness, a rash…"

Carter responded, "Well it itched like crazy. I'm guessing there was some kind of silica deposits…"

Jack rolled his eyes and curtailed Carter's babbling. "Itchy yes, rash no. What's up Daniel?"

"Umm, well it's kind of embarrassing. I've got this rash."

"Where?" Sam asked in total ignorance.

"Umm. Well…"

"Ah." Jack responded in understanding, then shook his head in confusion. "And you never thought to tell the Doc?"

"Well it only came on after I went off to help SG-12. Before that I was OK but I thought…never mind."

"Oh for crying out loud, Daniel what?" Jack exclaimed in part exasperation and part concern for his friend.

"I, er. I thought something brushed against me in the swamp."

"And you never thought to mention this?"

"I tried but you were busy writing your goddamned report!" Daniel responded passionately.

"And it didn't occur to you that I might want to put that ***in*** the report?" Jack replied.

"Well I'd rather you didn't. I mean, there's no reason why a rash on my groin should become available to the whole base to speculate over."

Sam, who'd clearly not been paying attention, almost spat out her chocolate. "Your groin? You never said…"

"Yeah well Carter." It was Jack now. "Suspicious rashes on your manly bits is something that most guys don't really like to discuss with ladies present, no offence. Kind of kills the romance if you get what I mean." He pulled a face and Daniel glowered back at him.

"Daniel Jackson, I do not understand. What could have caused this?" Teal'c broke in.

"I think we ought to find out don't you?" Jack responded.

"We?" Daniel squeaked. "Is there no such thing as privacy round here?"

"Hey you bought it up"…

**THE INFIRMARY**

Half an hour later Daniel was lying on a bed in the infirmary. A tented sheet had been placed over the lower half of his body and the curtain drawn as Doctor Fraiser administered to him. On the other side of the curtain were his three team-mates. Fraiser was in a bad mood, partly from being dragged out of bed at almost midnight and partly because Daniel had decided to be all childish (as she put it) about a potentially serious medical condition. Jack was toying with some medical supplies while Sam paced behind him. Teal'c stood perfectly still next to the seated Jack. From behind the curtain they could hear the sounds of Fraiser tending her patient.

"Now Daniel I'm going to take some skin scrapings."

"What?" Daniel responded an octave higher than normal in panic.

"Just relax. This might sting a little." Fraiser responded soothingly.

"Err….Oww!"

From the other side of the curtain Sam stopped her pacing and glanced over at the Colonel who was pulling a face in sympathy.

"Hey Doc, whatcha doin' to him. Give the guy a break will ya."

"Necessary evil Colonel." Fraiser called back. "Won't hurt for long."

"Argh! You're damn right it won't…Argh!" Clearly whatever form of medical torture Fraiser had subjected him to was continuing because Daniel then uttered a string of expletives that even Sam and Jack raised their eyebrows at.

"Daniel Jackson, would you embrace your parent with that orrifice." Teal'c asked stoically.

"Er, I think that might be, would you kiss your mother with that mouth Teal'c"

"I stand corrected O'Neill." Teal'c added.

From behind the curtain the moaning stopped "There. All done. You can relax now." Fraiser soothed.

"Ah God!" Daniel exclaimed. "This better be worth it."

"Can we see him now doc?" Jack asked. "I mean, not as much of him as you've just seen but…"

"Shut up Jack!" Daniel responded.

**THE INFIRMARY. LATER THAT NIGHT**

"OK folks I think I have an answer." Fraiser responded.

Jack, who'd been dozing in the corner sat up. "Wha?"

"It's some kind of parasitical cross between a fungus and an algae, but with fibrous villi that have penetrated the upper dermis."

"A lichen?" Sam asked incredulous.

"Oh much more than just a lichen," she gestured for Sam to peer into the microscope where Sam saw hundreds of tiny life forms thrashing about. "I'd guess and extremely fast growing organism with motile ability through these villi. Whatever it was, it laid spores on your skin and they've begun to grow into you, probably using you as a nutrient supply. That's what is causing the pain and the rash."

"Eww!" Jack responded and glanced at Daniel who looked queasy.

"Can it be treated?" Sam asked concerned.

"Oh yeah," Fraiser replied. I've already exposed it to some fungicidal agents and they appear to be effective. With luck and aggressive treatment he'll be up and about in a couple of days. Until then he'll need to apply this to his, er, rash twice a day and stay in quarantine just in case."

"Uh you said it appears to be effective?" Daniel asked in alarm.

Janet ignored him. "I'll start treatment immediately. In the mean time I'd like to check out the rest of you to ensure there's no infection…"

"Oh no!" Jack responded a little panicked. "Nobody is scraping bits of my…bits."

Sam looked up from the microscope. "Daniel said he felt something brush past him in the swamp. None of the rest of us did and we've displayed no symptoms."

"Even so I think it's wise to be prudent under the circumstances." Fraiser replied.

"But why him and not us?" Jack asked. "Not that I'm complaining." He added waving his arms about.

"Well it could have been anything that attracted the creature to him rather than you. It could have been something he brushed against in the swamp, somethign he stood on, pheremonee..for all I know the scent of his washing powder might have done it."

"On his groin?" Jack asked incredulous.

"Oh no!" Daniel groaned from his bed.

Everyone turned towards him. A chorus of "Whats?" sounded from their mouths.

Daniel looked sheepish. "Well when the locals were, um, wanting to involve us in their, um ritual thing I got, um…" He trailed off.

"Spit it out Daniel."

"Nayaria. My um…mate. She had this oil stuff. She, um she had it on her hands right before she put them down my pants."

"She groped you?" Jack asked.

"Um yeah. I thought that you and…I take it you didn't get that far?" Daniel queried.

"No." Jack replied sarcastically and then somewhat hypocritically. "I'm not in the habit of making out with strange alien women on strange alien worlds and it leading to strange alien infections."

The room descended into silence while everyone tried to avoid Jack's gaze.

"Anyway." He eventually continued, "What about you, Major?" He looked over to Sam and they shared a look.

"No Sir. Although Milos was kinda cute."

"Cute?" Jack asked looking slightly uncomfortable. "Cute as in reminded you of a puppy dog?"

Sam smiled, secretly relishing the fact that her CO appeared to be displaying a slight jealous streak. "No, cute as in, whoa boy!"

"You didn't?" Jack now seemed worried rather than jealous.

"No sir. I didn't. You've nothing to worry about there."

Jack was probably the only one in the room who caught the slight double meaning of her words but he turned the subject back to the safer ground of Daniel anyway. "Unlike Daniel. Jeez Danny, I thought you were an archaeologist not an anthropologist. I know you like to explore stuff, but there's exploring and there's exploring.

"You see I hate it when you do this Jack." Daniel responded angrily. "You always do this."

"Do what?" He responded innocently but with a glint in his eye showing he knew exactly what his friend meant.

"You make fun of things that really aren't funny. I could have been dying over here and all you can do is joke about alien VD."

"Well you're not." Jack responded indignantly. "The doc says she can treat you." He grinned, enjoying Daniel's discomfort. Daniel pouted and then offered a small forgiving smile.

"Anyway. It's…what time is it T?"

"It is three seventeen in the morning O'Neill" Teal'c responded.

"Ah. Thank you Teal'c. It's three in the morning. I'm still trying to get the goddamned report finished so I can get outta here, and even though I missed the game I wanted to watch and we've got an oh-nine hundred briefing making it pointless for me to leave, I damn well am because I promised I'd get outta here tonight so…I am." He finished lamely.

"Not so fast." Fraiser cut in. "In the next bed. I need to examine you too."

"Aw come on."

"No buts. Get behind the curtain and undress please."

"No buts. Pun intended Janet?" Sam asked with a giggle.

"You as well, and Teal'c. We have no way of knowing if it was the oil that attracted the parasite or if it was even in the swamp. I'm taking no chances. You're all grounded here until I give you the all clear."

Sam's face fell. Even Teal'c looked fed up. Jack glanced at Fraiser and realised she was deadly serious. He caught a wicked glint in Daniel's eye and sighed stepping behind the curtain.

"OK, but as soon as you're done I'm outta here."

Sam climbed onto one of the vacant beds. "Yes Sir." She smiled as she pulled the curtain between them across catching a last glimpse of her cranky CO unzipping his fly and yanking his pants down.

~End~

_The elements of the fanfic challenge were as follows:_

_Daniel has a secret to tell the rest of SG1 (anything you want).  
Jack wants to leave the base to go home but something keeps happening that stops him.  
These things must be said at one point:  
"I hate when you do this you always do this."  
"You kiss your mother with that mouth."_

_And some one must mention a puppy._


End file.
